Comments on: Elderly Mother http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com blog entries, re-worked and compiled Fri, 11 Sep 2009 04:10:03 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: Betty http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/elderly-mother/#comment-338 Betty Tue, 17 Feb 2009 16:19:55 +0000 http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/?page_id=680#comment-338 Describes my mother to a T. But the question now is: How does one prevent this "toxic energy" from permeating and taking over our (the caregiver's) "healthy" mental health -- since we have to (in my case its becoming more and more a sense of duty rather than out of love) be in their presence? I am 44 years old - the youngest of 9 siblings -- and I feel resentful that my mother seems to take pleasure in dragging me into old age with her, reminding me that I too will be old someday...in a tone that sounds more like a curse than just an observation based on common reality. Frankly, I find myself struggling with guilt over "spirtually bad" thoughts of her dying sooner than later so I'll have some life left after she's gone. If this was a person that was not my mother, I would be completly comfortable with the normalcy of distancing myself and fleeing to a non-toxic environment. Thank you for your blog. It was helpful in confirming my sanity. Describes my mother to a T. But the question now is: How does one prevent this “toxic energy” from permeating and taking over our (the caregiver’s) “healthy” mental health — since we have to (in my case its becoming more and more a sense of duty rather than out of love) be in their presence? I am 44 years old – the youngest of 9 siblings — and I feel resentful that my mother seems to take pleasure in dragging me into old age with her, reminding me that I too will be old someday…in a tone that sounds more like a curse than just an observation based on common reality. Frankly, I find myself struggling with guilt over “spirtually bad” thoughts of her dying sooner than later so I’ll have some life left after she’s gone. If this was a person that was not my mother, I would be completly comfortable with the normalcy of distancing myself and fleeing to a non-toxic environment.

Thank you for your blog. It was helpful in confirming my sanity.

]]> By: kath http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/elderly-mother/#comment-315 kath Mon, 19 Jan 2009 04:19:24 +0000 http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/?page_id=680#comment-315 you write beautifully. i agree with the other posters that this is just what i needed to read. i have had similar problems with my mother for a decade...trying to get her to allow help in the house, which she can easily afford. she would rather live in dust and grime and stacks of old newspapers, etc. and then complain about her cough and runny nose. after visiting lots of doctors, finally one has said its COPD which im not sure i concur with. she's never smoked, but her house...oh my god, i get a migraine after a day in it, because of all the ancient cobwebs, dust, and dog dander. anyway....we had a blow up today, and i hung up on her, for the first time in my life. and then went looking for something to read that would help. thank you, and thank you for your spiritual insights. you write beautifully. i agree with the other posters that this is just what i needed to read. i have had similar problems with my mother for a decade…trying to get her to allow help in the house, which she can easily afford. she would rather live in dust and grime and stacks of old newspapers, etc. and then complain about her cough and runny nose. after visiting lots of doctors, finally one has said its COPD which im not sure i concur with. she’s never smoked, but her house…oh my god, i get a migraine after a day in it, because of all the ancient cobwebs, dust, and dog dander. anyway….we had a blow up today, and i hung up on her, for the first time in my life. and then went looking for something to read that would help.

thank you, and thank you for your spiritual insights.

]]> By: Mary http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/elderly-mother/#comment-282 Mary Sat, 13 Dec 2008 14:23:23 +0000 http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/?page_id=680#comment-282 I am anxious to read more. Please keep posting. I live in fear about, and obsess almost constantly about my mother who is 86 years old, still drives, lives alone in a condo with several flights of stairs and no elevators, and whose personality is perfectly described by your section on "crazy making." I see a therapist every two weeks. My husband, who has cancer, deals with my mother better than I do. My friends really truly don't want to hear about it and have their own lives and worries. Reading your blog made me feel less alone, if more afraid about what the future may bring. Do we each have to reinvent the wheel? I keep looking for books and the vast majority deal with "normal" aging parents, not "difficult" ones. Please continue to tell us what is happening with you and your mother. thank you. I am anxious to read more. Please keep posting. I live in fear about, and obsess almost constantly about my mother who is 86 years old, still drives, lives alone in a condo with several flights of stairs and no elevators, and whose personality is perfectly described by your section on “crazy making.” I see a therapist every two weeks. My husband, who has cancer, deals with my mother better than I do. My friends really truly don’t want to hear about it and have their own lives and worries. Reading your blog made me feel less alone, if more afraid about what the future may bring. Do we each have to reinvent the wheel? I keep looking for books and the vast majority deal with “normal” aging parents, not “difficult” ones. Please continue to tell us what is happening with you and your mother. thank you.

]]> By: Cecilia Manley http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/elderly-mother/#comment-268 Cecilia Manley Sun, 23 Nov 2008 08:32:30 +0000 http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/?page_id=680#comment-268 I cannot begin to thank you enough. Today is my mother's 83rd birthday, and we got into it. She is very similar to your mother...chronically difficult. My father is already in an assisted living facility. His dementia is progressing steadily (87 years old), and the last three years of getting his arrangements made, having him declared "unfit", taking his driver's license away, stealing his truck because he refused to quit driving despite the fact he had no license, blah, blah, blah...you get the picture. My mother in-law is 89. She's pretty good mentally, but is hygenically challenged (yes, she smells). She will need to head for a facility in the not so distant future. My husband and I are really the only ones that take care of these three. My sisters visit, but they get a minimal dose while they are here. Of course, that minimal dose is plenty for any functioning person, and after a few hours of being closed up with my mother, anybody would be headed for the hills. My sisters frequently tell me "I don't know how you do it". Oh, have I mentioned that when it's time for my mother-in-law to be placed in assisted living that we will have to arrange to have my husband's mentally retarded brother (60 yrs old) placed in a facility? The list goes on.... Throughout this, my husband and I are supporting two sons in college, we have another son in middle school, and we both work full-time demanding jobs. I'm currently going through hormonal treatment for menopause, and I gotta tell you....I am definitely experiencing some moments of high anxiety. Other days, I just break down and cry, scream, bitch and swear. I can't stand what I'm becoming, but trying to wrestle these beasts is monumentally daunting to me, and everyday I just try to be strong, but I feel like I'm losing the battle...and make NO mistake...it is a battle! After the "exchange" with my mother today, I just came home and cried. She is exhausting. She always has been. I have three sisters, and throughout our lives she has done everything to keep us at each others throats. It's only been in the last five to six years that all of us girls have figured out what she's been doing to us sytematically. She has tried to poison us against our father, against our friends, and against each other for as long as any of us can remember. I believe that she's had undiagnosed mental/emotional problems her entire life. Having said that, I'm at the point that I simply don't care what her problems have been. I'm sick to death of her. I find myself hoping -I wake up wondering if "today's the day"? Will today be the day I'm finally free from her? I know that sounds terrible, but if someone has not experienced the manipulations, deceit and emotional abuse dealt out by someone like my mother, they cannot possibly understand. The old people never stop to think about any of the regular life demands we must meet in addition to their never-ending demands. We can never do enough. In the case of my mother, no matter what anyone does for her, she turns right around and talks about us behind our backs. She has always done this, but now she doesn't even bother with the truth of anything...she simply makes crap up, then freely dispenses large doses of it to anyone who happens to be within earshot. She gets on "kicks", and won't let go of whatever is her current favorite malevolent topic (it's never anything positive). Today I told her I didn't want to hear the same story she has repeated to me the last several times I've spoken to her. I'd had enough. I couldn't do it anymore. That never matters to her. She truly is a narcissist. She immediatley turns everything around and I'm no good, I never take her anywhere, never do anything for her, never call her, and I don't care about her. SHE is the wounded one...always! I can't even stand the sound of her grating irritating voice anynmore. I feel nauseated when I think I'm going to have to go see her. Of course, this is happening more frequently, because, I'm the one taking care of her. It's such a vicious cycle. Reading your post at this juncture in time has helped me to calm down. There is a tremendous amount of information about what to do and how to help the aging parents people have love and affection for. I can't relate to any of those. I am not laboring under any notion that what's ahead of us is going to be easy. I know it sucks, and I'm trying to gather the energy and courage this is going to require. I already resent it terribly. I am bitter. I don't know how I will cope. I don't know how any of us will cope. Somehow, I suspect that the biggest problem (mother) will manage to weather this much better than I. PLEASE keep posting. You've given me a dose of strength that I sorely needed. I suspect I am not alone in my feelings about your posting and your excellent advice/links you've provided. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I cannot begin to thank you enough. Today is my mother’s 83rd birthday, and we got into it. She is very similar to your mother…chronically difficult. My father is already in an assisted living facility. His dementia is progressing steadily (87 years old), and the last three years of getting his arrangements made, having him declared “unfit”, taking his driver’s license away, stealing his truck because he refused to quit driving despite the fact he had no license, blah, blah, blah…you get the picture. My mother in-law is 89. She’s pretty good mentally, but is hygenically challenged (yes, she smells). She will need to head for a facility in the not so distant future.

My husband and I are really the only ones that take care of these three. My sisters visit, but they get a minimal dose while they are here. Of course, that minimal dose is plenty for any functioning person, and after a few hours of being closed up with my mother, anybody would be headed for the hills. My sisters frequently tell me “I don’t know how you do it”.

Oh, have I mentioned that when it’s time for my mother-in-law to be placed in assisted living that we will have to arrange to have my husband’s mentally retarded brother (60 yrs old) placed in a facility? The list goes on….

Throughout this, my husband and I are supporting two sons in college, we have another son in middle school, and we both work full-time demanding jobs.
I’m currently going through hormonal treatment for menopause, and I gotta tell you….I am definitely experiencing some moments of high anxiety. Other days, I just break down and cry, scream, bitch and swear. I can’t stand what I’m becoming, but trying to wrestle these beasts is monumentally daunting to me, and everyday I just try to be strong, but I feel like I’m losing the battle…and make NO mistake…it is a battle!

After the “exchange” with my mother today, I just came home and cried. She is exhausting. She always has been. I have three sisters, and throughout our lives she has done everything to keep us at each others throats. It’s only been in the last five to six years that all of us girls have figured out what she’s been doing to us sytematically. She has tried to poison us against our father, against our friends, and against each other for as long as any of us can remember.

I believe that she’s had undiagnosed mental/emotional problems her entire life. Having said that, I’m at the point that I simply don’t care what her problems have been. I’m sick to death of her. I find myself hoping -I wake up wondering if “today’s the day”? Will today be the day I’m finally free from her? I know that sounds terrible, but if someone has not experienced the manipulations, deceit and emotional abuse dealt out by someone like my mother, they cannot possibly understand.

The old people never stop to think about any of the regular life demands we must meet in addition to their never-ending demands. We can never do enough. In the case of my mother, no matter what anyone does for her, she turns right around and talks about us behind our backs. She has always done this, but now she doesn’t even bother with the truth of anything…she simply makes crap up, then freely dispenses large doses of it to anyone who happens to be within earshot. She gets on “kicks”, and won’t let go of whatever is her current favorite malevolent topic (it’s never anything positive). Today I told her I didn’t want to hear the same story she has repeated to me the last several times I’ve spoken to her. I’d had enough. I couldn’t do it anymore. That never matters to her. She truly is a narcissist. She immediatley turns everything around and I’m no good, I never take her anywhere, never do anything for her, never call her, and I don’t care about her. SHE is the wounded one…always! I can’t even stand the sound of her grating irritating voice anynmore. I feel nauseated when I think I’m going to have to go see her. Of course, this is happening more frequently, because, I’m the one taking care of her. It’s such a vicious cycle.

Reading your post at this juncture in time has helped me to calm down. There is a tremendous amount of information about what to do and how to help the aging parents people have love and affection for. I can’t relate to any of those. I am not laboring under any notion that what’s ahead of us is going to be easy. I know it sucks, and I’m trying to gather the energy and courage this is going to require. I already resent it terribly. I am bitter. I don’t know how I will cope. I don’t know how any of us will cope. Somehow, I suspect that the biggest problem (mother) will manage to weather this much better than I.

PLEASE keep posting. You’ve given me a dose of strength that I sorely needed. I suspect I am not alone in my feelings about your posting and your excellent advice/links you’ve provided.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

]]> By: Lily http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/elderly-mother/#comment-260 Lily Sat, 18 Oct 2008 12:57:42 +0000 http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/?page_id=680#comment-260 Thank you so much for writing this. I'm only part way through. When I've finished, I'll write again. I'm also going to share this with my sister. Our situation with our mother is similar, but, of course, to paraphrase Tolstoy, we are each unhappy in our own way. Thank you so much for writing this. I’m only part way through. When I’ve finished, I’ll write again. I’m also going to share this with my sister. Our situation with our mother is similar, but, of course, to paraphrase Tolstoy, we are each unhappy in our own way.

]]> By: SELECTED BLOGPOSTS, COLLECTED and ORGANIZED « mind.expressions http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/elderly-mother/#comment-240 SELECTED BLOGPOSTS, COLLECTED and ORGANIZED « mind.expressions Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:17:25 +0000 http://mindexpressions.wordpress.com/?page_id=680#comment-240 [...] Elderly Mother [...] [...] Elderly Mother [...]

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